Economic crisis forces Detroit to cancel half its murders


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Heh: Economic crisis forces Detroit to cancel half its murders.

Such an announcement has left both the city’s homicidal and non-homicidal residents in shock and despair, as the routine murder-capital of the United States prepares to spend the rest of 2013 experiencing only 175 murders instead of the 350 the small but deadly city has come to expect annually. With only 175 murders to boast, residents know their beloved city doesn’t stand a chance to compete with other cities like Chicago, Houston, Los Angeles, or even Baltimore.

City council president Charles Pugh broke the bad news to reporters outside Detroit City Hall Monday evening, following a 6-to-3 council vote on the matter. “After great debate and weeks of agonizing,” said a visibly somber Pugh, “Mr. Orr’s report has left us with little choice. We regret to inform the people of Detroit that based on our city’s economic state, the number of Detroit’s murders will have to be cut in half beginning in June.”

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2 comments

  • JGL

    As insane as this sounds, I have a friend that at this moment in time is building a hotel in Detroit.

  • Pzatchok

    I can see that.

    A cheap hotel next to the prison could be a pretty good money maker. Someone has to house all those family members and visitors who want to see the prisoners.

    Don’t laugh. It happened in my town.

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