A real look at Mark Zuckerberg’s testimony to Congress

The satire site the Babylon Bee has been hitting home runs all week with a series of posts poking fun at Facebook’s founder Mark Zuckerberg in connection with his appearance this week at a Senate hearing.

From the last story:

Passing a set of tablets around the room, the tech billionaire asked every person present to read and accept the full 335,000-word, 6-point-font document before they could proceed. “If you would please just click the button signing all of your personal data over to me, yada yada yada, we can get this show on the road,” Zuckerberg said calmly before taking a sip of water. “It’s your basic, no-frills TOS. Nothing to worry about in there, I promise.”

The congressmen quickly skimmed the first of the 1,342 digital pages before clicking “accept” as per their customary approach to signing important legislation as part of their daily jobs, according to sources present.

We must remember that Facebook had previously tried to censor the Bee for publishing “fake news,” and the Bee has clearly not forgiven them for it.

Facebook updates privacy policy to simply read “LOL”

News you can use! Facebook has replaced its long and complex privacy policy to the simple three letter term “LOL.”

“We wanted to be more forthright with our users,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg told reporters. “We could give you this boring tome of legalese, or we could simply put it in terms everyone can understand. The popular internet abbreviation for ‘laughing out loud’ is an accurate, concise summary of how we feel about your private data.”

“It’s short, sweet, and to the point,” he added.

Users joining the site for the first time are asked to read the three-letter privacy policy in its entirety before clicking “accept” to acknowledge that the social networking company just laughs its collective keister off at the notion of any Facebook user having any kind of privacy whatsoever.

It is said that for humor to work, it must be based on truth. I think this is a good example.

Trump White House wins Emmy for best reality show

News you can use! The Trump White House has won an Emmy for producing the best on-going reality show on television.

Trump accepted the award in an emotional speech at the Microsoft Theater, thanking the hundreds of staff members he has fired so far in his presidency, as well as his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. “Oh man, I know I’m forgetting so many people,” he said as the background music began to prompt him to wrap up his acceptance speech. “Spicey, the Mooch, Bannon the Cannon, and all the others I can’t remember right now—you guys made this all possible. I know I’m the star here, but it’s the great cast of side characters, past and present, that really made this whole insane circus come together.”

“I’m the best!” he cried out as he was finally escorted off stage.

Read it all. You will realize that real reality is almost always more interesting than fake reality.

ISIS files “cultural appropriation” complaint against ANTIFA with UN

Link here. The complaint, from ISIS High Command (“somewhere along the Syria-Iraq border”), begins as follows:

As you may know, there is a new category of outrage that “social justice warriors” the world over are fighting to stop: “cultural appropriation.” Loosely defined, this outrage occurs whenever a person, group or organization begins adopting the habits and mannerisms that originate elsewhere…. In this vein, we are writing to file a formal complaint with the UNHRC’s Committee on Economic, Social and Cultural Rights, regarding a matter that we consider most serious: the fact that the recently-organized, global “ANTIFA” movement has:

(1) Culturally appropriated what is clearly ISIS’s trademark black uniforms

(2) Culturally appropriated the terror-tactics we employ while wearing these uniforms

They then provide documented evidence, including photos, and then note, “Now, if you were to see one or the other of these groups marching down your street, would you be able to determine, at a glance, if they are with ISIS, or ANTIFA?”

Their solution?

You might mention to the ANTIFA punks that in quite a few aspects, we are at war with the very same people, organizations and ideas, and, in fact, Western civilization itself. So, if you could arrange a sit-down over tea with us, and them, it might serve all of our interests, and provide a holistic, inclusive resolution to our complaint. Thanks!

Makes perfect sense to me. I mean, really, these guys all seem to have the same goals.

Kim Jong-Un Consults With Planned Parenthood To Learn How To Cover Up Atrocities

News you can use! In an effort to improve his brand, Kim Jong-Un came to New York on Friday to learn Planned Parenthood’s techniques for manipulating the media and covering up its human rights atrocities.

The North Korean delegate reportedly met with leaders at Planned Parenthood, where a panel of public relations professionals demonstrated the organization’s advanced methods of squashing any clear evidence of its brutal, callous slaughtering of human babies the moment it arises. “So you just get a judge to pull all the damning videos right away, and charge those trying to expose you with felonies? Amazing. We don’t even have that kind of power over the media back in Pyongyang.”

In other news, from the same source: ISIS lays down arms after Katy Perry’s impassioned plea to ‘Like, just co-exist.’

It is now obvious I have been getting my news information from the wrong sources. Things are much better than I might have supposed.

Chicago Cubs are being forced to give up their World Series title

Heh. From Reddit.

Cleveland Indians fans have rioted across the country in protest of the 2016 World Series. Despite knowing the rules of the game prior to playing, they were unhappy they lost and demanded the outcome to be changed.

They could be heard chanting #NotOurWorldSeriesChampion all across America. Even though the Cubs won 4 games and the Indians only won 3, since both teams scored 27 total runs throughout all 7 games, they are being declared co-world champions.

There’s more. Make sure you read the comments as well. For example: “The Indians won the popular hits in game 5 so they should win.”

Auschwitz commandant outraged over Mengele video


Rudolph Hoess, family man and commandant of the Auschwitz-Birkenau concentration camp, has been desperately trying to restore the camp’s reputation after some damaging remarks by one of its doctors, Joseph Mengele, were caught on tape and posted online.

Dr. Mengele, who oversees medical services at the camp, was recorded casually speaking of a girl who was suffering complications as a result of HitlerCare. The girl, Eva Mozes Kor, complained of fever, trembling, and swollen limbs that resulted from a series of five free government-funded injections. Mengele is seen on the tape laughing off the matter saying, “Too bad she is so young. She has only two weeks to live.”

To Hoess, such behavior is unacceptable. “I want to be clear,” said Hoess, “that I find the tone of Dr. Mengele’s remarks inappropriate, and that he has been properly reprimanded. Furthermore, I wish to emphasize that nobody on the staff at this concentration camp in any way profits from the clothing, valuables, cash, and gold fillings that are reallocated from our guests. While some evidence, which was tragically burned, may have indicated an occasional impropriety, we nevertheless pride ourselves in offering compassionate care at this facility, no matter what.”

Read it all. His outrage at the way the video was obtained will tell you who the real villains are in this story. How dare someone slander the reputation of these fine individuals!

Rising sales of US Constitution put Homeland Security on alert!


A surge of book sales that pushed the US Constitution into the top ten best seller list of the Conservative Book Club has caused federal officials to put the Department of Homeland Security on “full alert.”

“This is just the type of abnormal behavior that should trigger a high state of vigilance,” Secretary Jeh Johnson declared. “We expect a few loud-mouthed right-wing politicians to repeatedly harp on whether some action taken by the government is constitutional. But we can’t afford to overlook tens of thousands of ordinary citizens reading such seditious literature.”

The site calls itself “Semi-News/Semi-Satire”. It is tragic how accurate that title is.

World still terrorized by ‘‘Random Angry Unknown Folks’’ the Obama adminstration declares

Heh. Link here.

The world has been rocked almost daily throughout the past few years by shootings, stabbings, bombings, and other atrocities throughout Western societies and the Middle East by what the White House has come to be officially call “Random Angry Unknown Folks” (RAUFs), and the Obama administration will “quadruple” on its efforts to stop these seemingly motiveless random angry people who have been plaguing the world with their seemingly “senseless, pointless, motivation-lacking non-descript acts aimed at apparently no one in particular”, according to State Department Spokesperson Jennifer Psaki.

It gets better. Read it all.

Obama now just learning that he is President!

Heh. Obama now just learning that he is President!

“I mean, I knew I was in a position of high importance, but not like THE President and all. I’m just as shocked as you all!” said the President to reporters in the White House’s Rose Garden, Monday. “…A lot of people have been wondering how all these scandals and things could be happening under my watch and I not know about it…” Obama said. “Well, when you don’t know you’re in charge of all these agencies and people, how can you? Think about it. It’s not my fault.”

Read it all. I especially like his response to a gentle and supportive question from a CNN reporter.

Obama and the Democrats solve the terrible terrible problem of the terrible name of the Washington Redskins.

Obama and the Democrats solve the terrible terrible problem of the terrible name of the Washington Redskins.

In a move certain to delight most of official Washington, D.C., it has been decided to change the name of the Washington Redskins football franchise to the Washington Reds. President Obama, himself, voiced his approval of the decision, as did Harry Reid, who was practically giddy upon hearing the news. The stadium will be painted red, in keeping with the new name, and its own name will be changed to Red Stadium. All players who play for the Reds, as well as all Red staff, Red cheerleaders, and Red coaches, will be asked to pay a 60% surtax on their exorbitant salaries and to divest of their pension plans entirely in order to share their wealth more equitably with all of the people of the District of Columbia. Any profit-sharing from games played by the Reds will be placed into the general coffers at Treasury Department and administered by Jack Lew.

Click on the link. It is worth it.

“It was reported today by MSNBC that President Obama was unaware that he had ever said to anyone the words ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep it.'”

“It was reported today by MSNBC that President Obama was unaware that he had ever said to anyone the words ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep it.'”

As is commonly known, the details of policies put in place by various departments of the Administration are considered beneath the purview of the office of the presidency. The President is above all that and, as Chris Matthews points out, he can hardly be expected to remember such minutiae such as who gave the order to stand down at Benghazi, which is thousands of miles away, or who ordered the IRS to harass certain Tea Party members, let alone members of other terrorist groups, or even what was happening in Fast & Furious down in Mexico. That’s somebody else’s country, said Matthews, and the President just wasn’t personally aware. Besides, he was on the golf course at the time . . . every time.

There’s more, all tragically hilarious.

“Look at these radicals who are blatantly defying the federal government by having a stroll and eating lunch in a CLOSED PARK.”

“Look at these radicals who are blatantly defying the federal government by having a stroll and eating lunch in a CLOSED PARK.”

Click on the link. Lots of hilariously captioned pictures of evil tourists defying their righteous government which is so sincerely trying to protect its property from those disgusting “little people.”

Posted as we pass Knoxville, Tennessee.

“Government shuts down, nation descends into riots, looting and cannibalism.”

“Government shuts down, nation descends into riots, looting and cannibalism.”

“The government shut down! We can do anything we like,” shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. “Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can’t stop you.”

Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff. With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men played Gibson guitars made of wood imported from India, but not finished by Indian workers. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.

Heh. Read it all. You will be horrified.

Congress fiercely divided over completely blank bill that says and does nothing.

If only all bills were this lacking in details: Congress fiercely divided over completely blank bill that says and does nothing.

A blank piece of legislation that says nothing, does nothing, and contains no text whatsoever has been the source of heated debate in Washington this week, and has sharply divided Congress along partisan lines, Beltway sources confirmed Thursday. Known as S.0000, the bill, which doesn’t have sponsors, co-sponsors, or an author, has reportedly drawn starkly contrasting opinions from legislators in both the Senate and House of Representatives, and has paved the way for a major legislative battle in coming months.

Read the whole thing. It accurately captures the reality of present day Washington, with the Democrats pounding the table for this bill and the Republicans pounding the table against it.

Economic crisis forces Detroit to cancel half its murders

Heh: Economic crisis forces Detroit to cancel half its murders.

Such an announcement has left both the city’s homicidal and non-homicidal residents in shock and despair, as the routine murder-capital of the United States prepares to spend the rest of 2013 experiencing only 175 murders instead of the 350 the small but deadly city has come to expect annually. With only 175 murders to boast, residents know their beloved city doesn’t stand a chance to compete with other cities like Chicago, Houston, Los Angeles, or even Baltimore.

City council president Charles Pugh broke the bad news to reporters outside Detroit City Hall Monday evening, following a 6-to-3 council vote on the matter. “After great debate and weeks of agonizing,” said a visibly somber Pugh, “Mr. Orr’s report has left us with little choice. We regret to inform the people of Detroit that based on our city’s economic state, the number of Detroit’s murders will have to be cut in half beginning in June.”

A new research study finds that every time someone imagines the economic system of Socialism working, it does so as much as 98 percent of the time!

Heh: A new research study finds that every time someone imagines socialism working, it does so, as much as 98 percent of the time!

“There’s no ambiguity about our findings,” said Dr. Halbert Thursday, “we have proved beyond a doubt: every time someone imagines the economic system of Socialism working, it does. Regardless of what time in history, too,” continued Halbert, “if someone imagined that Socialism has worked in the past, it did. If someone imagined it working currently, it does. And if a person imagined it will work in the future, it will. It’s the most amazing thing…Truly remarkable.”

The study consisted of interviewing 5000 economists and ordinary citizens around the world, from socialist and non-socialist countries alike. No matter where in the world, people realized the repeatedly attempted 200-plus-year-old social and economic system operated fairly, efficiently, and humanely nearly every time they fantasized it would. Said Dr. Halbert, “The people in North Korea we were allowed to interview were the most enthusiastic. They not only declared their economic system the best in the world, but the best ever in the solar system.”

The American Communist Party has sued the Democratic Party for stealing their platform.

Heh. The American Communist Party has sued the Democratic Party for stealing their platform.

“They stole our entire platform, rebranded it ‘progressive’, and claimed it as their own,” declared a CPUSA spokesperson at a press conference in San Francisco. “And we communists say, not so fast! Not in this country anyway, where we still have property rights and the rule of law, thank God! Actually, let me rephrase that…”

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